Mary Claybon's Middle Way Health Blog

EQ-Emotional Intelligence for Peak Performance Shaheen's example

I love the concept of EQ. When Daniel Goleman wrote his book Emotional Intelligence in 1995, his premise that 90% of our success has little do with our IQ made sense and caught on in personal and organizational development circles. What counts is your self awareness, self regulation, and empathy as well as your ability to be motivated and motivate others. Another key component is your ability to communicate and relate in social and business settings.

As I am writing this I am watching Oprah interviewing the young Welsh singer Shaheen Jafargholi, who won the approval of Simon Cowell on Britain's talent show.  If you watched the segment on You Tube everyone's heart dropped when Simon interrupted him on his first song, giving him a chance to improve on his second song. What happened is everyone in the audience seemed to empathize with this moment of criticism and then within the first verse as Shaheen belted out the Michael Jackson song, his success was written all over the stage. He was cool, confident, and resilient as he simply did what he does best-sing.

Oprah asked what he felt in those moments when he was stopped by Simon. Shaheen said he remained calm, telling himself something good would happen and he kept his cool. When he sang for his second chance he just let his voice sing uninhibited in his best tone. His mother said she was scared, anxious, and worried for her son. What was articulated were emotions and feelings. What Shaheen demonstrated was the ability to regulate his feelings for greatest effectiveness. The audience demonstrated empathy, that ability to feel your own heart sink when another person's heart is threatened. The audience was so there for Shaheem at that moment. And Simon stood up and applauded-Simon-the ultimate critic and the ultimate support if he likes you.

We can all learn from this example of emotional intelligence and integrity. The components of EQ are:

Self-Awareness, the ability to perceive what you are feeling inside physically, emotionally and spiritually. You can accurately identify anger, frustration, excitement, sadness, joy, irritation or and then you are aware of how you are going to respond in specific situations with other people. You stop, look inside, identify your feelings, and listen to what you are to learn from the situation.

Self-Regulation or Self Management-the ability to stay positive and flexible in your response and behavior with other people while staying very aware of your emotions and feelings. 

Empathy-You are able to pick up on the feelings and emotions of other people and how they are reacting to you and your reactions to them. You are able to put your feet in another's shoes or at least be willing to see that even if you disagree or have different feelings you still have a relationship. 

Most important is the relationship. Regardless of your feelings and emotions you are able to be with others without attacking, defending, or taking things personally. Instead this emotional awareness promotes clear communication even when there is conflict. 

Shaheen was very aware that his first song was not his best. In that moment of what we could perceive as failure, he was able to relate to Simon, the audience and his own feelings without falling apart. Instead he was able to effectively move forward and upon Simon's suggestion sing another song. He did so with grace and talent. The entire audience felt the release of momentary tension that turned into a moment of joy. 

  

CHILL OUT

(This is me chilling out(notice the snowman cup) I stayed in my PJs and worked the rest of the day)

 CHILL OUT and Enjoy the Holidays 

Preparing for the holidays can be mind boggling and stressful, or a time to remember what really matters, chill out, relax and enjoy the season. 

A couple of years ago, my husband and I were returning from a November vacation and as I was thinking about all I had to do for the holidays,  and about life in general, I put on my headphones to watch the in-flight movie Evening,  a wonderful film about a woman on her deathbed going in and out of consciousness while looking back at her life and wondering if she had made a mistake in her love life. Her best friend comes to visit during her last hours. They reminisce about their memories and shed some mutual tears. The dying woman’s daughter asks the friend if her mother was perhaps reliving something in her life that was a mistake or regret. The friend says “We are mysterious creatures, aren’t we? And at the end, so much of it turns out not to matter.” On her deathbed the mother reassures her daughter by saying, “there are no mistakes.” Both of these quotes suggest that perhaps we take life too seriously and just need to CHILL OUT.

Chill out means to relax. There is a whole genre of Chill Out music to help us along. I own a set of CDs called Chillout I and II. Songs like Instant Relieve, Transparency, Madhouse, Cosmic Dance, and Holy Mountain are some of the titles.

Listening to this music makes me want to dance and sway my stress away.

The holidays can be a time of joy if we remember to CHILL OUT. When you are stressing about buying the perfect gift or equaling all of your children’s piles under the tree, take a look at what you are doing and laugh. The perfect gift is your loving thoughts and the warmth of being around someone who can be a symbol of peace at this time of the year. And if you are in a baking frenzy trying to make the hundreds of cookies you do each year, relax and make less, enjoy baking those cookies more and smile. Buy the dessert this year and spend the baking time with your family and friends. If the house is just not clean enough, who cares? It’s the warmth of the home and not its spotlessness that welcomes the glee of the season.

In this short human life, think about what matters most. This is a time to focus on relationships, enjoy the season, every snowflake and wind chill.  I love the quote from A Course in Miracles that says, “It’s all a silly mad idea, don’t forget to laugh.” Tis the season to be jolly, not jostled. Have fun and smile more this year.

Below is a photo of some of the cookies baked in my kitchen this year. 

 

Famous failures - More magazine

Famous failures - More magazine

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All I Really Need to Know-Thanksgiving in Kindergarten and Second Grade

 

Last week I went to my niece's school. We made pine cone turkeys in kindergarten and wrote a poem in second grade. I never attended kindergarten so if all we really need to know was learned there, I had to learn it on my own. They are valuable lessons. Here is a copy of Robert Fulghum's things he learned in kindergarten.

 

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN

(a guide for Global Leadership)

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.

These are the things I learned:

• Share everything.
• Play fair.
• Don't hit people.
• Put things back where you found them.
• Clean up your own mess.
• Don't take things that aren't yours.
• Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
• Wash your hands before you eat.
• Flush.
• Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
• Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
• Take a nap every afternoon.
• When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
• Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
• Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
• And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

[Source: "ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN" by Robert Fulghum.  See his web site at http://www.robertfulghum.com/  

Need to remind myself to stop and enjoy the moment. This is time to be grateful for all that we have.

Choosing Second to be First

Todays Course in Miracles Lesson is 328,I choose the second place to gain the first.

This lesson is a deep reminder that usually we choose the world as our first priority.  Since we are a special person in the world, we then choose to be right about who we are and what we think. Although in truth God is first and our relationship with God “should” be top priority, we may say this, but not mean it. This lesson is saying that if we choose the second place in our minds (God) that essentially we will gain a deeper understanding of life and will be more satisfied and happy. The course often teaches, “Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?” If we are honest we would pick being right much of the time, Choosing God and true happiness will have us question all of our rightness and we would humbly admit, I probably have it all wrong. “Do you want to have peace or do you want to have conflict?” We will say we want peace, but usually we choose conflict-again, holding onto our judgments and righteousness in the name of knowing. What freedom when we let go of what we think is true and right; let go of the idea of winning; and accept the second place with a smile.

My experience with Dahn Yoga

I had an interesting experience this week. I walked into a health food store while visiting my sister in the southwest Chicago suburbs. While purchasing my vitamins, there was an Asian guy asking if we wanted our aura read. I was with my sister, her daughter and my niece. We all decided to participate. You put your hands on the metal outline of two hands and a body with the colors of your aura would appear on a computer screen.

The reading revealed the colors of your energy and indicated your brain and body energy. My energy was fairly balanced and the colors indicated a degree of inner healing, however I did have some stuck energy and areas of tension according the guy doing the reading. My niece and sister had their’s done and the reading was accurate for their state of stress and health at the moment. The young man gave us a brochure about his healing venue called Dahn Yoga.

It turns out he had a class on Saturday, so my niece and I decided to go. We soon learned that this was more than your typical yoga class. The sign on the outside read Dahn Yoga, Brain Respiration. Interesting! We walked in and were soon told that we both needed a full healing and the Thanksgiving special offered 50% off so we decided this would not only be an interesting experience, but also beneficial – if it was valid.

My healing experience was with the young man who was doing the aura reading at the health food store. This is not my first experience with healing techniques. I have practiced traditional forms of yoga for years. I also had my own classes. I have also participated in Tai Chi and Qigong classes. I enjoy massage therapy and have also had acupuncture several times. This reminded me of Shiatsu massage.

My niece and I had separate experiences. Her healer was a young Korean woman. The private healing rooms were furnished with a bamboo mat, soft pillow, and a burning candle. It was very relaxing, with lights dimmed and the reminder to simply experience and focus on the body sensations that came up.

As in all holistic healing modalities I was reminded to focus on deep relaxing breaths. My healer spent a lot of time massaging the abdominal area, tapping on the area just over the heart, and tapping on the head. I let myself simply experience whatever came up. I really felt very little until he stopped his movement and massage. Then I felt a warmth and tingly sensation mostly in my upper body.

After the bodywork, we sat and talked and he seemed very knowledgeable about energy balance as it relates to the body, mind and spirit. We also discussed some  of my emotional stuck areas and I felt his insights were very affirming and helpful.

My niece said her healer did more massage of her back and feet, but overall her experience felt good and positive.

I went in knowing nothing about Dahn Yoga. We never took a class so I had no idea what a Dahn Yoga class would be like. I left feeling I had gotten my money’s worth at half price and the experience was overall a positive one.

            We did enjoy the private healing and were not pressured to join, but they did offer information and brochures on workshops and training.

            Since returning home, I have done some on line research and found everything from positive testimonials of healing to negative accusations of cult behavior and lawsuits.

            Having fallen into the trap of following “Gurus” in my past, I will count this as one positive experience along the journey, and best leave it as over for now.

             Have you experienced Dahn Yoga or other brain healing modalities?

What has been your experience?

 

 

 

What Good Is Your Wealth Without Your Health?

What is your definition of wealth? What is your definition of health? You have to plan for both for true holistic living and that plan depends on our definitions; you philosophy of life; your needs; your standard of living.
Taking care of the body, mind and spirit and keeping all of these aspects of yourself in balance will support your dreams. Listen to me on Blog Talk Radio and gain some incites to help you think about the topic of:

What Good Is Your Wealth Without Your Health?.

You Have to Stop Sooner Or Later

 For years people who have talked about wellness referred to weight loss, fitness or smoking cessation programs. Later we identified the role stress plays in our overall health and wellness so we developed stress management programs.

 Interesting that although the wellness industry has spent the last 20 years designing programs and providing health promotion information to the point that most consumers are very well educated, health is not improving much - Not the kind of health that is defined by an overall sense of balance of body, mind and spirit or physical, emotional or spiritual togetherness. In fact many people are exercising and watching their weight. Unfortunately many people have given up and continue to spiral upwards. There is no loss of material on what constitutes a healthy diet or adequate fitness program. There are also more self help books published than ever before to help us deal with our stress management.

 Keeping all of this in mind, it is interesting that when I work with people as a wellness coach, their vision often includes a regular exercise program and healthy diet, but it always seems to include the word balance and gaining more energy and enjoying life more. Yet that is the one place it is hard to concentrate. To stop all of our activity, whether it is for our work or just to keep the house managed is very difficult. We just keep going until our body can’t go anymore and then we get sick. It is when we get sick that we question how we have been going about getting all these things done.

More and more people have said to me that they need to take time to meditate, yet less and less do. Why is that? I know for myself I often feel that once this or that item on my to do list is complete, I will be able to sit back and relax. Sitting seems such a waste of time when there is so much to do. That is why we recommend that you schedule a regular time for meditation regardless of what is going on in life or with work. It has to be as built in as brushing your teeth. It has to be an everyday occurrence.

 But what if we are just not of the makeup to sit in a formal meditation? That is not necessary, but what is necessary is to have some sort of practice built into your life for reflection on more than your everyday tasks. The fact is that one’s body and mind can’t keep on going without a break. Eventually you will have to stop.

As you get prepare for the holidays, build into your day a time for silence, prayer, yoga, reflective reading, listening to peaceful music, journaling, or if you can, sitting in a position of meditation, following your breath long enough to feel a difference in your body- a feeling of peace and quiet rather than rushing and a sense of urgency. If you practice enough, it will become a memory in your body that you will be able to tap into when life is speeding by. Like all of my clients, it has to be a priority and goal for change. Let that be now and not later.

Enjoy Your Food and Your Life

I love food and I love life. I live for joy and enjoy eating. The day I stopped dieting and I started eating what I wanted and living to the fullest, was the day my weight stopped being an issue.  I look forward to eating and enjoy every bite. I also enjoy moving and dancing and using my body. I love the feeling of health and life and love. I think about what I am going to eat from the time I get up until I take my last bite of the day. I live to eat and enjoy food and the pleasure of dining. I wonder who I am going to eat with, what new restaurants or recipes I want to try. I have fun traveling and eating around the world. I enjoy a variety of cuisines and love every minute of my meals. How sad that we live in a world where people feel that in order to lose weight, get healthy, prevent disease they have to deprive themselves of one of the greatest pleasures of life food and eating.

I love these quotes:

 “Eating is not merely a material pleasure. Eating well gives a spectacular joy to life and contributes immensely to goodwill and happy companionship. It is of great importance to the morale.”
Elsa Schiaparelli Italian designer (1890-1973)
 

 "Never fit a dress to the body but train the body to fit the dress"
- Elsa Schiaparelli –

 The act of eating and dining out is a time not only to satisfy your own hunger, but to share an experience with others. At a time when the world is threatened by acts of terrorism and we live in fear, there needs to be a time when you can let go of fear, yet mealtimes are often the most fearful part of the day for many. Instead of enjoying food and the pleasure of eating, this time is often filled with guilt and fear.

My work with weight management and lifestyle change examines the underlying beliefs, philosophies, and motivations that affect our relationship to food and whether food becomes a pleasure for the body or a poison creating unhealth and unhealthy habits.

I ask my clients and readers four questions: What are you eating? What are you drinking? What are you doing? And What are you thinking?

Thinking is most important.

I will be offering a series of classes and Blog Talk Radio shows around the idea of food, focus, mindfulness, and liberated living for peace and joy.

 I hope many of you join me!

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